In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
zippers are such a cool invention
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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