Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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