I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
