Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
