i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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