my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
