i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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