Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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