next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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