This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
