life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
