I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
