I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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