i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
