I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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