My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
