mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
