The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
