So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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