You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
