i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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