I met the friendliest cop last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
