I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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