Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
