you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
