May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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