just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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