i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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