i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
