please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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