Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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