you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
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I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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