There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
