Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
