Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
