if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
