Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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