he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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