Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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