me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
