omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
