I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
