Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
