imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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