you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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