my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Alive.
So much puke
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
