Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
