I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
