Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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