I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
