u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
