I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
