Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
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wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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