I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
