Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
