remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
